Congratulations!
You have been selected to be one of the privileged many to take part in the PMS Experience™. The PMS Experience™ is an immersive, groundbreaking, and holistic event into which you have been auto-enrolled every month. How exciting!
Prepare yourself to feel all the feels — whether or not you want to. Find a comfy sofa, grab your favourite hot water bottle and get ready to ride the rollercoaster of emotions. Some exciting experiences reported by past participants include:
- Getting angry at nothing. Watch out housemates, significant others, children, and/or parents! Nobody is safe.
- Crying for no reason. Have you seen a smiling puppy? Tears. Did someone look at you when you weren’t expecting it? Sobs. Has your brain just conjured up a traumatic event, real or otherwise? Inconsolable.
- Fighting for stupid reasons. Of course, your wife using your favourite mug just when you were about to make a cleansing cup of coffee is grounds for divorce. And don’t start on the noises they make when they chew!
- Not being able to sleep properly. Who needs sleep anyway? It’s a social construct designed to control us. Join the trans-sleep movement.
- Being hot and cold at weird times. Cold? Throw on a jumper and wrap up in a blanket—nope! Now you’re boiling. Strip off and get those toes out—stop shivering!
- Negative thoughts popping into your head. “Why can’t I just be normal?” you think. “Everybody hates me,” you say. “Get out of my head, embarrassing-thing-I-thought-I-had-forgotten,” you gripe. That’s our patented and mandatory self-reflection modules in action. Your brain will thank you!
You have all of this to look forward to, and more! Still not convinced? Don’t take our word for it; our testimonials speak for themselves. “I never realised,” wrote Tina, “how resilient I was. Thank you, The PMS Experience™, for showing me I can deal with anything!” Lauren, who was with us for many years before upgrading to My Menopausal Life™, had this to say: “You know, I sort of miss the wild mood swings, the abdominal pressure and the general yucky feeling. It beats feeling like I’m losing my mind! Ha!” And Esther, a young woman who had just had her first PMS experience, remarked, “Oh God, it’s so much worse than I thought it would be. How are you all just walking around like this is normal? This isn’t normal! I can’t do this for the rest of my life! Who do I complain to?” Ah, the innocence of youth.
And speaking about complaints, we have a robust procedure which has been praised internationally. We have therapists on call 24/7 to help you navigate the complaints hotline. Just key in 999# at any point and our fully qualified AI mental health professionals will help you work through the emotions you experience as you experience our complaints procedure. Check out a sample of our award-winning FAQs:
- Q: I want to speak to a real person, but the menu options don’t allow it.
- A: Our AI bots are 100% real and Turing-Test-Approved™.
- Q: I want to roll back my plan.
- A: Silly you! You must have forgotten that all enrollments are final. Our AI bots will give you surgical and hormonal options with all the reassurance and confidence of a fully trained fertility consultant. Start chatting today!
- Q: I want to adjust the symptoms and timings on my plan.
- A: Our AI bots will direct you to the correct department for plan changes. The waiting times are currently thirty years, plus or minus ten years. Reserve your place in the queue now!
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for choosing The PMS Experience™. We look forward to many interesting and exciting years ahead. And remember, the core principles of PMS are Partnership, Mission, and Synergy. PMS doesn’t just stand for us, it stands for you too. Thank you for being part of our family.
